The No Factory

Well Hello there folks! Yeah, I've been busy doing all the stuff that people always say that we are busy doing when you go months on end without writing anything. It's not that I didn't have any ideas it's just that I kept telling myself that I was too busy to do a post and because I thought I was I never did.

Anywho..... My tot is well into the horrible two's and it's even worse than I could have ever imagined. You have to understand that a person that can't even use the restroom alone doesn't have much time to their self. I plan on putting that on my Christmas wish list, I really want the chance to be able to take just one poop alone, just one. I never thought I would find myself in this position (unintentional irony). But that's exactly where I am.

Of course my tot does not go to school or daycare. He has the esteemed honor of staying at home with me so that he can learn the proper use of the word Shi%$ and other awesome stuff.

All joking aside my toddler is pretty advanced. I could brag about all the things he can do but I'm not about bragging. Well I am. Just not today. If you catch me in the grocery store you better believe if he's not with me I'm whipping out a picture and a 30-40 minute monologue about how amazingly awesome my toddler is. However that's NOT what we are talking about today. Today the issue here is the no and nothing but the no. There are no's flying all over the place on a DAILY basis. Do you want to eat son? NO! Are you thirsty son? NO! Do you need to use the potty son NO! Did you just pee in that Lego son NO! You get my point. I just want to mention I wasn't sure if he was hungry or thirsty but I am 100 percent sure he did pee in that Lego.

My toddler has turned into a full on NO factory. If you're looking for a No you can get it from here. I already know what you're thinking, she probably says no a lot and that's where he gets it from. I don't really say no much. No, seriously..... Did I just type it again? Yeah... I did but I really don't say "it" (the N word, not the raciest N word the other one) much. I think that's the first thing a parent of a no factory does. You immediately start monitoring your own no's and count how many times you say it. When someone says something and you want to shout NO (the toddler way). I look over at him to try and figure out another way to say no such as using "well...... I'm not sure or I'm not thinking that's okay.” I'm sounding more and more passive aggressive every day. It's killing me. You have to save your No's for the really awful stuff.

I was down to less than 3 or less a no's a day. I would still be counting no's to this day if I hadn't ran into a lady with a toddler at Publix. I was pushing my cart through with my tot minding my own business. That's not really true I'm never really just minding my own business. Super nosy lol! As we are waling though the store I hear a toddler yelling NOOOO NOOOO. I was instantly relived for two reason first it wasn't my kid screaming and two I knew this kid was a no factory as well. I had to find them. I followed the screams and sure enough it was another 2 year old. I realized from talking to her mom that I wasn't the only proud owner of a no factory and this like the many other phases that we have experienced thus far would come and go. No for now, see you later.

Santa Can You Take This SH%! Back!

Christmas is over and done although, you wouldn't know it from looking around my house. Leave me alone! I've been busy. This year my tot was 2 by the time Christmas rolled around. I was extremely excited because this would be the first year he was really going to be interactive with opening presents. He was good at it. Really good and it was just as exciting as I’d imagined to watch. Apparently, in another life he was a professional present opener. Who would have thought?

Before becoming a parent I was guilty of making gift purchases for friends’ kids and chuckling to myself in the store knowing the parent would have a fun time cleaning up the mess. Now I know that was not funny. I'm apologizing for all the drums, 200 ball sets and many other annoying present I've ever been enough of an asshole to give your child in the past. Sometimes, the bad seed toy is not a gift from another person. You the parent end up creating the good toy gone bad situation for yourself.

The first week after Christmas you can already see which toys are going to be a problem. By the second week your nerves and sanity have become endangered by the problem toy. I have also come to realize that I have a love hate relationship with toys in general. I love buying them for my son because I'm always excited about us playing together with the toy. This usually ends up with my tot playing and me being allowed to watch. He is an only child and his sharing skills are poor to say the least. I hate them because they almost ALWAYS involve a huge mess and just as often are used for some other purpose not included in the manufacturers instructions. The box said nothing at all about my tot hitting me in the head with this thing is usually what I end up thinking. Obviously, the visions of creativity inspiring toys and my 2 year old tots are not on the same page.

The problem purchase this year would be an easel. When I saw this easel online I just knew this was going to be a big it. I envisioned my son creating great masterpieces. I rushed out to get the supplies which included: new crayons, art paper, chalk, markers, and paint. I knew that these supplies would need to be guarded closely. My son enjoys drawing but if possible he also likes to eat his artwork when finished. I was aware of those dangers but I never would have imagined this precious gift from Santa would be a ladder to badness instead of a path to creativity.

My son loves the easel. Just not to draw and it did in fact inspire creativity in the form of him discovering that he can drag this damn easel or the stool that came with it around the house to get into everything he's not normally tall enough to get into. Great! Just freakin Great! He can also carry the stool upstairs and do the same. I hate the easel and I’m about to drop kick it out the door any day with the stool! I’m in the process of trying to figure out if Santa has a return policy if things just don't work out with a toy.

 The Culprit

Has your child ever gotten a toy that ended up annoying you?

Christmas Gifts That Suck

Christmas is approaching and along with the Holiday Cheer and family bonding comes the gifts that suck ass! They say it's the thought that counts but sometimes the thought is nonexistent. Some people seem determined to use the Holidays to remind you of the fact that they don't really know you or what you like at all! Here's my list of terrible Christmas presents.

  Chia Pet

Just in case you didn't know this is NOT on the list of anyone over the age of 10. No one thinks it's a funny gift and we don't want it! Sure, if I get one I'm going to smile and say thank you but I'm also going to be listing it for sale on Ebay the first chance I get. This is too bad to even think about re gifting.

Photo Credit http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

 A Family Portrait

 Christmas cards with family photos are cool but when you've bought a fame to give with the picture.  That's a sign you’re going too far. This picture is not appropriate nor is being vain enough to give a picture of yourself or family as a Christmas Gift. Nobody wants it! The only use I would have for a family photo is to hang it out back to see if it will ward off raccoons. Otherwise, this thing will never see the light of day.

 Fruit cake 

I don't know how or why people started giving these as gifts. I've often wondered if after research people decided that this was the one way to give a gift that screams “I don’t like you but here's something anyways.” I do know you want to stay away from giving a gift that is the punch line of a joke. I've never even actually met anyone that enjoys fruitcake.  A gift like this would only force me into researching if fruitcake is safe to feed ducks with.

Photo Credit: http://www.thedailygreen.com

 Ugly Ass Christmas Sweaters 

I can't even begin to tell you how many of these I have gotten thus far in my lifetime. I also don't really have enough words to tell you how much I hate them all equally. I'm all about handmade crafts for gifts but I along with most people loathe ugly ass Christmas sweaters. These sweaters seem to go from zero to tacky in a second, besides being a walking fire hazard. The only plus side for me getting one of these is 1.) My mom just happens to be an ugly ass Christmas sweater fiend. 2.) At least I'll have something to wear to the office Ugly Ass Christmas Sweater Party.

If you’re thinking about ignoring this one don’t be surprised if your gift makes the recipient burst into tears because you decided to force them to remember a scaring childhood moment of just wanting a new bike and ending up with one of these ugly bastards! Asshole!

Ugly Christmas Ties

Dad I'm NOT thinking of you this holiday season and to prove it I got you an ugly Christmas tie. I've seen many a father forced to grunt and bare these ridiculous ties for the sake of hurt feelings. Some even play music in addition to the fact that they are hideous. Unless your dad is an ugly Christmas tie lover then have at it. Also, I wanted to mention that those ugly Christmas vest count as well. Let the man have some dignity after all he's done for you.

 Plants

I am the black widow of gardening. I over water, under water, I KILL plants period! No plant has ever survived me. Even though I have no live plants in my home, people buy me plants. When they bring them over I almost feel sorry for the plant knowing its fate.  So, merely for the plants sake stay away from buying plants for gifts. The recipient may have a black thumb like me and these plants deserve to have a chance at life.

Drugstore Perfume

Total perfume snob here! Perfume is very personal and based on your pH levels the same scent can smell different on each person. Generally speaking perfume that cost $9.99 is not the business. This stuff stinks and usually causes a headache! There may be a celebrity on the box but I guarantee you they probably aren't wearing this crap! So, you put that damn bottle of White Diamonds down unless your gift recipient is over the age of 50 or doesn't mind smelling like the Bingo hall.

 

Snuggie

Yes, I'm a little lazy. Don't call me out by buying me a damn snuggie. I don't care what color you buy. This is ri·freakin-dic·u·lous!these things have the uncanny ability to making anyone wearing it look like Friar Tuck. Plus, I'm black and black people DO NOT wear snuggies! That's not gangster! I would frown if I'm at your house and see one. I already have blankets and don't need another one with "sleeves" battling for closet space.

 A Pet

It’s not nice to give someone a present they have to feed and take care of. Unless you've had a full out discussion you should NOT pop up with a new puppy on Christmas day. I see it as the equivalent of you dropping a person off at my house saying: “surprise I live here now and I don’t have a job."  The whole puppy thing works for commercials and movies. The recipient may seem overjoyed but after that cute puppy starts chewing a hole through their new couch it may be a problem. After all, they would have you to thank for that wouldn't they?

Appliances

If you know someone that needs a toaster or iron pick another time of the year and just give it to them. Don't try to tell me you saw that toaster in the store and immediately thought of me. A new vacuum cleaner may not spread lots of holiday cheer this season. But, I am going to see if it will suck you up for getting such a terrible gift. That would bring me a little joy.



What’s the worst gift you’ve ever gotten?




 

Mean Words With Friends

 This post came about because the other day I was playing Words with Friends. My friend plays the word BITCH. Along with the play I was sent a disclosure notice from the friend saying, "Don't curse me out I'm just playing the game." Immediately, I panicked. I thought we already were playing the game. Does this mean people psycho analyze every word played in Words with friends?

The fact that he thought I would be offended. Should I be? Am I supposed to send a disclosure notice when playing words with friends? Is that proper game etiquette and I not known? Was it just a coincidence that he played Bitch? Did he save the letters to play that because I'm a bitch?

Do I need to look back over previous games with EVERY single friend and pick apart the word play? Will it tell me what they really think of me? When my friend played "whale" was she really just trying to say that I should renew my gym membership. I don't know? Maybe, when I played loser the other day I hurt my friend's feelings (that friend has been out of work for some time.) If I'm playing with a chubby friend and I just happen to be able to spell "fat" should I tell her I'm sorry before or after I make that play? Which would be worse me playing the word fat or the apology for the play?

How serious has this gotten???? Have people committed suicide over a game of words with friends? Do we subconsciously play what we think of people in a word game? I can't play. This is entirely too stressful.

NOT, I'm most certainly still going to play. Is everything so literal now that everything HAS to mean something? It's just a game. Consider this post my disclosure notice if you play with me it's gonna be mean words with friends. If I get a chance to play the word "whore" you bet! I'm going in. If you are sensitive don't play. After all it's just words right? Words don't actually hurt or have anyone killed right? Oh they have. My bad..........

Types of Friends Women Have

The Best Friend

This friendship is the cream of the crop. This is your ride or die. You would cut a bitch about her. Both of you just seem to understand each other. Usually, the two of you have been through alot together and formed a really tight bond. You can always trust her advice and talk to her about anything. Because of the fact that this friendship is almost too good to be true the best friend usually lives across the country from you.

The Good Friend aka The # 2

This is another truly good friend. You may have a few of these. She's trustworthy and loyal. She probably lives closer to you or did at one time. The two of you could even be best friends if it wasn't for the fact that at least one of you are in committed best friendships else wear. The # 2 may or may not be slightly jealous of your best friend and in the unlikely event that your actual "best friend" is hit by a bus # 2 would gladly take her place.

The Good Time Girl

This is the friend you call when you want to let your hair down and have a good time. This friend is non-judgmental and knows where all the cool parties are. You rarely talk unless it's to plan and outing. Even when you do talk it’s usually not about anything important. This friendship could evolve into a better friendship over time if you ever decide to start hanging out in the daytime when you're not both drunk.

The Snob 

This friend is usually disliked by ALL your other friends and seen as being fake. You like something about her and hang out anyways. She's oblivious to the fact that people don't like her and couldn't imagine why they wouldn't. Sometimes, you force your other friends to hang out with her. This usually ends with lots of every rolling on their part. Most of the time you are together she's complaining. She's too good for everything and lets it be known. Spending time with this friend can be exhausting because typically this type of person also has the lowest self-esteem.

The Bad Girl

You may have known this friend before she went bad or maybe you both were bad girls together. None the less this friend is hell on wheel. She fights, smokes and just doesn't give a damn! This friend is also usually broke. If she can't steal it you will probably have to pay for anything you two do together. You love her free spirit a spirit that may land her in jail from time to time. This is the one you call when it's time to kick some ass!

The Jealous Friend

This friend doesn't really like you. You have probably known each other since you were like 8. She's seen all the other friends rise up in the ranks while the two of you have merely remained acquaintances through the years. She sees your lives as a competition and you're winning. You almost hate to tell her when anything good happens with you because you can hear the disappointment in her congratulations. She pays you compliments then immediately says she is the opposite of the compliments she just gave you and she wishes she was more like this or that. This type of friendship is fruitless and toxic. You can never have a true friendship with someone that is jealous of you. They are too busy feeling sorry for themselves or wishing it was them.

The Slut

This friend is a lot like The Party Girl friend except she's a bit what do you call it? Oh. She’s what you call loose. She lacks inhibition and is fun to be around. Her sex life is alive and well.  If you go out together it's a chance at end of the night she may be leaving with a few dudes so you need to have alternate ride arrangements. She's usually a very sweet person and very giving (ironic huh?) This is the one you CAN'T leave alone with your dude. After all she is a slut you don't want to leave anything to chance.

The Drama Queen

This one is always in some shit. Falling out with friends, boyfriends etc. There is always "something" going on. She's ultra-dramatic and everything is something to her. She may be a liar because all of her stories have to be over the top and extra. She's cool because she keeps it interesting and her account of everything is always top notch. This type of friend’s stories can be juicer than an episode of The Bad Girls Club.

The Busy Friend

You haven't seen her in years the only reason you even know she's still alive is because of the Facebook Updates from time to time. The friend has no time. Between her children, job, husband or new boyfriend etc. Her friend time is minimal Life has her by the whooo haaa and she rarely has time to step outside of the Matrix. ON the rare occasion that you do get to see her it's just like old times and you always wish you could see her more.  


The Saint

This friend keeps you spiritually grounded. She prays for you and you pray together. She posts scriptures on Facebook as status updates just to remind you that God is her #1 fan. This friend may have formally known as The bad girl, the slut or the party girl. She's been saved and delivered. Now, she's a warrior for the Lord and not going to let anyone forget it. This means you probably aren't gonna want to mention to her about that joint you smoked last week.

Mommy the Turd Hunter

Let's start this post off by saying POTTY TRAINING! Okay, now that I've got that out of my system we can move on. The other day I said that I was quitting with the potty training until Trey turns 2. His birthday is the 5th of November. That's a little time for us to have a break with the whole business and get back into it on a fresh note. My floors and I (the cleaning lady) have had ENOUGH with the pee and poop everywhere. It was just getting out of hand. The next day, I woke up and thought we would give it another try. The choice to try again resulted in me getting my foot peed on and hunting a turd for the better part of the day. Being a mommy has me doing tons of things I never thought I would and not to mention while searching for the turd I was wondering to myself if I really even had any dignity at all left lol! I'd like to take a moment to address all the people who have given advice and tips for potty training. Thank you for nothing! I've tried about 75% of those tips and none of that shit has worked. I have come to the conclusion that potty training is a lot like giving birth and no two experiences are the same. With that being said, Potty Training has been discontinued until further notice. This boy is just not ready yet! Signs that's he's ready my ass! My son is obviously not ready. The moral of this post 1) Quit when you say you are so you won't get your foot peed on 2) There are no egos in potty training.

Dinner with a Toddler Heckler

I think most of us have encountered a toddler heckler at some point. Instead of shouting obstinacies these little people are sharing greetings and smiles. I’ve seen them out before even before I had a child. A joyful toddler calling me over and it never bothered me. I’ve even been touched by children before and although it was surprising. I wasn’t annoyed by it.  On my previous encounters with toddler hecklers I’ve seen he looks of frustration on the parents face because apparently they have been at it all day greeting, calling and playing with complete strangers. Now it’s me with the little heckler. When we are out at dinner or really most places not a person gets past him without him telling them HI! Not a thing gets brought to the table without him telling the waitress or waiter “Thank You” loudly. He attracts a lot of attention and calls people over to the table giving hi fives and all. Now, I’m the one with the dumb look on my face because I can’t really stop him. At 22 months he really knows how to work a room. Maybe politicians are born and not made. He is usually on fire toddler heckling at restaurants. I think his goal is to attract as many people as possible over to the table. I’m sure this is a phase and he will grow out of it at some point. I would be more urgent in trying to stop him from doing this because I’m really uncomfortable with strangers being around him and he truly does cause a scene.  I can’t help but be proud of the smiles he gets. The people that his little heckler greetings obviously made their day. I’m not sure if we get any dirty looks. I wouldn’t really notice anyways he’s not screaming and crying he just wants to say hello.  Here is a little video from him toddler heckling at dinner the other night. 

Where’s everyone going? Is Facebook Dying?

Every time you log into Facebook you may notice your friend count getting a little smaller and it’s not just something you said. As if the friend request from your grandmother wasn’t enough of a sign of the times. Facebook in the United States and Canada is losing members in droves. At the moment the social networking giant is gaining popularity in other counties.  However a growing number of Americans have had one poke too many and are logging off for good. We all saw it with the decline in popularity of MySpace how quickly the hot social networking thing can turn into old news. When your friends started leaving MySpace we all knew that they were coming over to Facebook. The difference is now that there are so many options for social networking and many finding different ways to connect. Here are a few reasons I think Facebook is losing steam.


Twitter

Twitter is so popular it deserved its own category.  Everyone likes the next big thing and at the moment Twitter is one of them. With its ability to have personal one on one conversation it has stolen the hearts of many a former frequent Facebook user. The power to do a specific search on a word or phrase is a priceless asset for a business and makes for totally entertaining Tweets.  The micro blogging social network boasts millions of users worldwide and is consistently gaining new tweeters, sharing their thoughts 140 characters at a time.


Boredom

Are you tired of hearing about what an ex coworker from 7 years ago ate for breakfast? Yeah, me too. People want different social networking experience, a little variety to spice things up. No one wants to have to wait with a heart full of hope that somebody eventually posts something interesting enough for you to like or add two cents. You wouldn’t go to the same bar every night would you? Well, it’s the same with the social networking you don’t want to be somewhere the same people are always there talking about the same things.  With the popularity of blogs and gossip sites as well as other more entertaining places to be on the internet rather than waiting on nothing.

Work Place Crack Downs

Prior to the Emergences of MySpace, Facebook and the age of the social network workplace productivity had never met enemies so fierce. The social networks became addictive for so many that a slew of company employees were mentally and sometimes physically tuning out of work and logging in instead. This caused Employers to create policies about Social Networking and crack down. Some choosing to reprimand and in cases fire employees caught socializing via networks on their dime. It wasn’t just when employees were networking but also some of the content and status updates that were also causing major issues. Most people do most of their social networking at work. With this new workplace crack downs some people have less time and other obligations that keep them from logging on as much.

Not cut out for Social Networking

We all have the one friend that’s about one status update away from jumping off the nearest bridge. The occasional picture uploads of two best friends doing the duck face and shooting birds from the lobby of a local abortion clinic. And let’s not forget the random 2 am drunken self along with the rest of the entire world hate rants. Including but not limited to the why am I still single, and the, I am a good person speech. Slightly entertaining as this might be these people are clearly not cut out for social networking. More people are realizing their inability to edit themselves or just plain inability to communicate normally online with other people. Realizing once they press the send button you’ve just put a broadcast to the world. Some of them notice how they are perpetuating drama and negativity. They are getting off their virtual soapboxes and hopefully going to get help or at the very least sort out a few issues.

 Privacy Concerns

I’m going to touch on this lightly but I really could on all day. When members started realizing that their information was getting out and being sold by Facebook it was a colossal #Fail It made many people uncomfortable and mistrusting of the network for fear of having yet another privacy violation.

Other Social Networks

I would be remiss not to mention Google plus. Google has done an excellent job at creating a buzz. Keeping with their tradition they rolled out invites giving access to a select few to add to the hype. But Google isn’t the only one stealing the shine. The new Niche Social Networking trend is steadily gaining popularity.  With sites like http://www.sittertrade.com/ (shameless plug).  Much like we have a certain group of friends we may like to hang out with sometimes and others another time. It’s the same in the social networking world. There are the mommy networks and knitting sites. There is a social network for everyone and just about everything and we are starting to spread out over a variety or networks connecting with different people, learning and sharing information

What do you think? Will Facebook become the virtual ghost town of social networks or will it be able to stay relevant?