The No Factory

Well Hello there folks! Yeah, I've been busy doing all the stuff that people always say that we are busy doing when you go months on end without writing anything. It's not that I didn't have any ideas it's just that I kept telling myself that I was too busy to do a post and because I thought I was I never did.

Anywho..... My tot is well into the horrible two's and it's even worse than I could have ever imagined. You have to understand that a person that can't even use the restroom alone doesn't have much time to their self. I plan on putting that on my Christmas wish list, I really want the chance to be able to take just one poop alone, just one. I never thought I would find myself in this position (unintentional irony). But that's exactly where I am.

Of course my tot does not go to school or daycare. He has the esteemed honor of staying at home with me so that he can learn the proper use of the word Shi%$ and other awesome stuff.

All joking aside my toddler is pretty advanced. I could brag about all the things he can do but I'm not about bragging. Well I am. Just not today. If you catch me in the grocery store you better believe if he's not with me I'm whipping out a picture and a 30-40 minute monologue about how amazingly awesome my toddler is. However that's NOT what we are talking about today. Today the issue here is the no and nothing but the no. There are no's flying all over the place on a DAILY basis. Do you want to eat son? NO! Are you thirsty son? NO! Do you need to use the potty son NO! Did you just pee in that Lego son NO! You get my point. I just want to mention I wasn't sure if he was hungry or thirsty but I am 100 percent sure he did pee in that Lego.

My toddler has turned into a full on NO factory. If you're looking for a No you can get it from here. I already know what you're thinking, she probably says no a lot and that's where he gets it from. I don't really say no much. No, seriously..... Did I just type it again? Yeah... I did but I really don't say "it" (the N word, not the raciest N word the other one) much. I think that's the first thing a parent of a no factory does. You immediately start monitoring your own no's and count how many times you say it. When someone says something and you want to shout NO (the toddler way). I look over at him to try and figure out another way to say no such as using "well...... I'm not sure or I'm not thinking that's okay.” I'm sounding more and more passive aggressive every day. It's killing me. You have to save your No's for the really awful stuff.

I was down to less than 3 or less a no's a day. I would still be counting no's to this day if I hadn't ran into a lady with a toddler at Publix. I was pushing my cart through with my tot minding my own business. That's not really true I'm never really just minding my own business. Super nosy lol! As we are waling though the store I hear a toddler yelling NOOOO NOOOO. I was instantly relived for two reason first it wasn't my kid screaming and two I knew this kid was a no factory as well. I had to find them. I followed the screams and sure enough it was another 2 year old. I realized from talking to her mom that I wasn't the only proud owner of a no factory and this like the many other phases that we have experienced thus far would come and go. No for now, see you later.

Santa Can You Take This SH%! Back!

Christmas is over and done although, you wouldn't know it from looking around my house. Leave me alone! I've been busy. This year my tot was 2 by the time Christmas rolled around. I was extremely excited because this would be the first year he was really going to be interactive with opening presents. He was good at it. Really good and it was just as exciting as I’d imagined to watch. Apparently, in another life he was a professional present opener. Who would have thought?

Before becoming a parent I was guilty of making gift purchases for friends’ kids and chuckling to myself in the store knowing the parent would have a fun time cleaning up the mess. Now I know that was not funny. I'm apologizing for all the drums, 200 ball sets and many other annoying present I've ever been enough of an asshole to give your child in the past. Sometimes, the bad seed toy is not a gift from another person. You the parent end up creating the good toy gone bad situation for yourself.

The first week after Christmas you can already see which toys are going to be a problem. By the second week your nerves and sanity have become endangered by the problem toy. I have also come to realize that I have a love hate relationship with toys in general. I love buying them for my son because I'm always excited about us playing together with the toy. This usually ends up with my tot playing and me being allowed to watch. He is an only child and his sharing skills are poor to say the least. I hate them because they almost ALWAYS involve a huge mess and just as often are used for some other purpose not included in the manufacturers instructions. The box said nothing at all about my tot hitting me in the head with this thing is usually what I end up thinking. Obviously, the visions of creativity inspiring toys and my 2 year old tots are not on the same page.

The problem purchase this year would be an easel. When I saw this easel online I just knew this was going to be a big it. I envisioned my son creating great masterpieces. I rushed out to get the supplies which included: new crayons, art paper, chalk, markers, and paint. I knew that these supplies would need to be guarded closely. My son enjoys drawing but if possible he also likes to eat his artwork when finished. I was aware of those dangers but I never would have imagined this precious gift from Santa would be a ladder to badness instead of a path to creativity.

My son loves the easel. Just not to draw and it did in fact inspire creativity in the form of him discovering that he can drag this damn easel or the stool that came with it around the house to get into everything he's not normally tall enough to get into. Great! Just freakin Great! He can also carry the stool upstairs and do the same. I hate the easel and I’m about to drop kick it out the door any day with the stool! I’m in the process of trying to figure out if Santa has a return policy if things just don't work out with a toy.

 The Culprit

Has your child ever gotten a toy that ended up annoying you?

WHAT Did You Just Say?

Caution this post contains an extreme parenting fail. If anything about this post offends you because you are so so perfect please feel free to read the post (including this disclaimer) again in order to re-offend yourself. As always thanks for stopping by. 

It would be fair to say that I have a bit of a potty mouth. Sure, I'm working on it but this is a long process in the making. There is a history of fowl mouthed women in my family on my mother’s side so technically it's probably not my fault. Right? Yeah.... just going to go with that. I'm professional enough but at home sometimes there is nowhere to hide and words just flow. The sole reason for me needing to work on this potty mouth is my 2 year old toddler. Toddler cursing is not cute and doesn't go off well in social setting.

Since turning 2 my tots vocabulary is huge and he's a bit of a Pete Repeat. I had my son right before I turned 30. I'm an old dog learning a whole new trick with this parenting thing. I'm excited that he has survived and I haven't broken him. As a formally self-absorbed person I had no clue what I was going to do when I brought him home from the hospital. I even asked to stay an extra day. Surprisingly enough instinct kicked in and I've been working on auto pilot ever since. Parenting can't always be predictable or perfect. Having an type A personality it's a struggle for me knowing it can't be perfect. Better yet the fact that I'm not going to be perfect at it. Feel sorry for me.

Does the fact that I sometimes curse at home make me a bad person? Possibly. Am I safe for kids? Sure. Problem is my kid lives with me so when we are at home from time to time the shit is going to fly.

My mom and my tot were sitting in the living room. I was in the kitchen. A toy got dropped and I heard my tot say something but with me being so far away I really couldn't hear him. Partially because I was so far away and partially because my tot kind of whispered whatever he said. My mom said, "I was going to say that but you said it for me" to my tot. I asked her what he said and she replied "oh nothing." I left it at that.

This weekend my tot had a deck of playing cards that he had successfully stolen out of my drawer (never know when a spades game could pop off). My tot is NOT allowed to have cards because he is a habitual paper eating offender and will make a proper snack out of a deck of cards. I was right there by him when he went for the cards. As I was going to take from him he tried to run away and they all dropped. My tot immediately said "shit" as he dashed to try and pick a few up before me. Huge #mommyfail

Not only can my newly 2 year old toddler son say his alphabets and count to ten but he has also picked up the proper use of the word shit. Thanks to me. I told him that was a bad word and he should not say it, of course he's 2 so he doesn't understand. Since the "shit" incident he has dropped the s bomb a few other times when things didn't go quite his way. I have seen the error of my fowl mouthed ways and have made a conscious effort NOT to curse or even think curse words around my toddler. There are times when I want to spell the words out but I'm too scared to even do that. My tot has been watching your baby can read since 4 months old. I'm not quite sure if my baby can read but I do know my baby can say shit. Great! Merry Christmas!