18 November 2011

Christmas Gifts That Suck

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Christmas is approaching and along with the Holiday Cheer and family bonding comes the gifts that suck ass! They say it's the thought that counts but sometimes the thought is nonexistent. Some people seem determined to use the Holidays to remind you of the fact that they don't really know you or what you like at all! Here's my list of terrible Christmas presents.



  Chia Pet

Just in case you didn't know this is NOT on the list of anyone over the age of 10. No one thinks it's a funny gift and we don't want it! Sure, if I get one I'm going to smile and say thank you but I'm also going to be listing it for sale on Ebay the first chance I get. This is too bad to even think about re gifting.

 A Family Portrait

 Christmas cards with family photos are cool but when you've bought a fame to give with the picture.  That's a sign you’re going too far. This picture is not appropriate nor is being vain enough to give a picture of yourself or family as a Christmas Gift. Nobody wants it! The only use I would have for a family photo is to hang it out back to see if it will ward off raccoons. Otherwise, this thing will never see the light of day.


 Fruit cake 

I don't know how or why people started giving these as gifts. I've often wondered if after research people decided that this was the one way to give a gift that screams “I don’t like you but here's something anyways.” I do know you want to stay away from giving a gift that is the punch line of a joke. I've never even actually met anyone that enjoys fruitcake.  A gift like this would only force me into researching if fruitcake is safe to feed ducks with.

 Ugly Ass Christmas Sweaters 

I can't even begin to tell you how many of these I have gotten thus far in my lifetime. I also don't really have enough words to tell you how much I hate them all equally. I'm all about handmade crafts for gifts but I along with most people loathe ugly ass Christmas sweaters. These sweaters seem to go from zero to tacky in a second, besides being a walking fire hazard. The only plus side for me getting one of these is 1.) My mom just happens to be an ugly ass Christmas sweater fiend. 2.) At least I'll have something to wear to the office Ugly Ass Christmas Sweater Party.

If you’re thinking about ignoring this one don’t be surprised if your gift makes the recipient burst into tears because you decided to force them to remember a scaring childhood moment of just wanting a new bike and ending up with one of these ugly bastards! Asshole!



Ugly Christmas Ties

Dad I'm NOT thinking of you this holiday season and to prove it I got you an ugly Christmas tie. I've seen many a father forced to grunt and bare these ridiculous ties for the sake of hurt feelings. Some even play music in addition to the fact that they are hideous. Unless your dad is an ugly Christmas tie lover then have at it. Also, I wanted to mention that those ugly Christmas vest count as well. Let the man have some dignity after all he's done for you.


 Plants

I am the black widow of gardening. I over water, under water, I KILL plants period! No plant has ever survived me. Even though I have no live plants in my home, people buy me plants. When they bring them over I almost feel sorry for the plant knowing its fate.  So, merely for the plants sake stay away from buying plants for gifts. The recipient may have a black thumb like me and these plants deserve to have a chance at life.


Drugstore Perfume

Total perfume snob here! Perfume is very personal and based on your pH levels the same scent can smell different on each person. Generally speaking perfume that cost $9.99 is not the business. This stuff stinks and usually causes a headache! There may be a celebrity on the box but I guarantee you they probably aren't wearing this crap! So, you put that damn bottle of White Diamonds down unless your gift recipient is over the age of 50 or doesn't mind smelling like the Bingo hall.


 
Snuggie

Yes, I'm a little lazy. Don't call me out by buying me a damn snuggie. I don't care what color you buy. This is ri·freakin-dic·u·lous!these things have the uncanny ability to making anyone wearing it look like Friar Tuck. Plus, I'm black and black people DO NOT wear snuggies! That's not gangster! I would frown if I'm at your house and see one. I already have blankets and don't need another one with "sleeves" battling for closet space.


 A Pet

It’s not nice to give someone a present they have to feed and take care of. Unless you've had a full out discussion you should NOT pop up with a new puppy on Christmas day. I see it as the equivalent of you dropping a person off at my house saying: “surprise I live here now and I don’t have a job."  The whole puppy thing works for commercials and movies. The recipient may seem overjoyed but after that cute puppy starts chewing a hole through their new couch it may be a problem. After all, they would have you to thank for that wouldn't they?



Appliances

If you know someone that needs a toaster or iron pick another time of the year and just give it to them. Don't try to tell me you saw that toaster in the store and immediately thought of me. A new vacuum cleaner may not spread lots of holiday cheer this season. But, I am going to see if it will suck you up for getting such a terrible gift. That would bring me a little joy.



What’s the worst gift you’ve ever gotten?




 

4 comments to “Christmas Gifts That Suck”

  • November 20, 2011 at 8:55 PM
    Adam says:

    Wow, some of those really are bad gift ideas! I can’t believe that that is a really family photo! Who would subject their kids to a photo session like that much less distribute those pictures, and as a holiday card? Ugly ties, sweaters and drug store perfumes are unavoidable. They will happen every year, much like the fruit cake and that guy that drinks too much at the company party. The pet thing is actually kind of serious. There are so many animals that end up at the shelter and put down because they were given as unwelcome gifts.
    After all of those horrid gifts, I would like to suggest the best gift I have found this year. I even got one for my self! It’s called a Sling Adapter and I got one for free under a promotional offer from my TV provider DISH Network. The Sling Adapter allows me to stream my TV channels to portable devices and computers. That means I can have over 250 live TV channels right on my Android phone or tablet. Many iOS and Blackberry devices are supported as well. I can even watch my DVR recordings and set up new ones too. They call it TV Everywhere and I believe it. All I need is 3g, 4g or WIFI access and I am good to go. It works out great because I work nights for DISH and I miss a lot of my favorite shows. Now with this great TV Everywhere innovation I can watch my shows live where ever I am or I can set the DVR and get caught up later! This will never show up on a list of bad gifts.

  • November 21, 2011 at 12:27 PM

    "Plus, I'm black and black people DO NOT wear snuggies! That's not gangster!" Hahahahaha! I'm white, and it's true, we're all over the Snuggie. Not me, but my daughter has TWO!

    I do think those would make fantastic white elephant gifts though! Worst gift I received is a pair of earrings I gave a friend and she re-gifted back to me. Yep. I'll just stop there.

  • December 12, 2011 at 1:35 PM
    Erica says:

    I just want to say that I LOVE ugly Christmas sweaters. The tackier, the better. Hilarious to me.

    I came across another bad gift for your post this morning. It just brings back bad memories of when the cat would eat tinsel... http://www.etsy.com/listing/36865313/dog-butt-floss-blues-blue-dental-floss?ref=fp_recent

  • July 4, 2012 at 5:30 AM

    I missed eating fruit cake. Been a while since i ate some.

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